"No" was my first response to my Dad's question of signing up for DTS. He's been trying to get a "yes" from me since the day he knew that the English DTS was happening. But my response was always either a "no" or "I'll think about it." Before DTS, I knew that I was putting my relationship with God on hold. He wasn't my number one priority, and I was tired of my life. But I didn't blame God at all. Instead, I was always blaming myself. I know for a fact that DTS would cause some change in me, but my biggest concern was, will I practice what I learn at DTS? Will I be able to completely open my heart to the changes that God has in store for me? I was afraid. In the end, God somehow put me in a spot where yes was the only option, and the adventure with DTS has begun.

I knew that DTS was something I needed in my life, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. But starting from the first seminar I listened to, and the people I was able to meet through DTS, I loved it. During DTS, God continually reminded his love for me and that I am created in His image. He knew what has been hurting me the most. I remember a pastor saying that if God is repeating a statement in the Bible over and over again, it means that it's essential. I knew that God kept telling me that I was and will always be loved by God. As I am writing this, I realized that before DTS, I searched for a different kind of love. But God knew that love isn't what I needed the most right now, and He was right. The love I needed the most is from God. And through God, I need to love myself.

Before DTS, I felt that my life was like a hamster running on the wheel. I knew that I wasn't putting my relationship with God as a priority, so I thought that I was unworthy to be guiding the college kids in church. But the testimonies and lessons that I have heard in DTS made me sure that anything can be possible with God's guidance. Not my assumption or my way, but God's way, which is the only way. If my thoughts aren't matching with God, I should know that I need to talk with God until I get a clear answer from Him. The testimonies of their walk with God makes me want to join in. I don't want to rely on others to hear God's voice. I want to be used by God and be excited about how He will be using me every day.

My experience in Haiti is something I will never forget. The lesson that stood out to me the most was that when we open our hearts to God, our plan gets kicked out of the door. Instead, God takes us by His schedule. At first, the team and I were very confused because Missionary Kim took us to places that he "coincidently" saw. But eventually, we were able to see that it wasn't Missionary Kim, but God made him notice the places where he took us. Not knowing where God would take us, it was enjoyable and exciting. I can say that my outreach in Haiti was not normal, but I loved it.

There are so many other things that I have learned during DTS. DTS itself and the lessons that I have learned is something I want to apply and never forget. Truthfully, when the pandemic happened, I began to turn back to be the person I was before DTS. It's tough to motivate myself to get myself back on track on getting to know God personally. But I know that
during this pandemic, God gave me the time to be in a relationship with Him again by allowing me to apply the lessons the I learned in DTS. I think this was one of the things I wanted to accomplish that I wrote in my letter on the first day.

In conclusion, I know that my walk with God begins with going back to my relationship with God and loving myself because I am made in His image. I know that my journey with God will not be simple, but I need to have one hundred percent faith that God will be guiding me every step of the way. I know that God has something explicitly planned for me, but I need to open my heart to Him so that He can start moving in me. Most of all, I need to lay "Lillian" down from the throne of my heart entirely and place God on that throne. Even though my time as a DTS student is finished, the next step to my adventure with God continues.

Date: July 11, 2020 Lillian Lee
OC BEDTS 2020